Backbenchwarmer

It is said every man who has been ostracized  in society is really a genius in disguise. While that was said by me, it doesn’t make it any less true. It has been a while since I last communicated with you all and I want you to know I am alive and well. Oma and I have taken to a few hobbies that had us off the computer altogether. We’ve been selling Avon as a side venture to help our financial situation. (If you need any foundation or concealer, do let me know. It’s perfect for getting rid of those worry lines when facing the heat in the court of law, might I add.)

Perhaps I should recap all of the things worth noting that have happened in my absense.

• Michael Jackson Passed Away
• World Economy Collapsed
• Marlene McDonald put on a few
• Tiger Woods
• $2, 000, 000 flag
• Arima to Port-of-Spain increased to $6
• Detox still hasn’t come out
• Avatar was a terrible movie

You readers are like the COP, think you are smart but don’t know a thing. Luckily I am here to guide you lost lambs like the good shepherd I am. What do you think all these things have in common?

That’s right. The PNM are directly or indirectly responsible for all these things. If you need me to explain why or how, then please refrain from reading my blog immediately.

As I have found myself in a position of having more time, I will go into why the PNM is continuing to ensure the downfall of our society. Believe me when I say it is no small feat to kick dust in the face of Trinidadians, by making them pay an exorbitant amount of money at $6 to travel to Movie Towne, only then to see the detritus that was Avatar?

As for my political career, it is no secret that “she” has taken up the reigns of my beloved party. And while my actions may confuse it is the few smart ones who read my blog, that will know and understand that while my actions may seem selfish and contrary to what I claim to stand for, it’s because I have sense of pride that I act the way I do.

Of course everyone wanted to talk about Calder Hart, and while exposing PNM corruption is in fact very near and dear to my heart, people have turned a blind eye to the real issues facing us: me not leading the UNC. Such a travesty is not something we should take lightly, and the revolution will be televised. The UNC has been a boat, that, yes, may not have held water when it came to trivial things like “integrity” and “public trust” but is no different than any other political party. I am the captain of the SS UNC, and like a good captain will be the last one on the boat as it sinks. Even if I have to sink it myself.

I Actually Agree With The PNM

I have a smile on my face reading about the COP not being allowed into parliament. I don’t even care about the reason, I’m just glad they did it. Oh, how I long to be home again to wreak havoc on them.

Mister Duck and Run then went on to say something about the COP only spending $12 million on the last election while the UNC-A and PNM spent $249 million. I’m not sure what the point he was trying to make was exactly. Perhaps that the COP is inadequate and should not be allowed to enter parliament? That seems like it.

WWBPD?

Sometimes when I have a serious situation to deal with and I’m not sure what to do, I simply ask myself: “What would Basdeo Panday do?” When I do this, it all comes to me and my problems magically find solutions.

So, I have this CORPSE problem. They split my vote, they made me NOT be Prime Minister again. What does Basdeo do?

Ramesh said something that gave me a great idea.

Perhaps we should offer Winston a Senator post, that could heal this division of voters. I’ll look like a caring, humble opposition leader while Winston gives up all he is fighting for at the CORPSE and comes back to the UNC much like Ramesh did about 4,352 times. Maybe then I could find some fault with Winston (I’m good at making up faults in people after all) and I could revoke the job. Then Winston would be screwed for local Government elections.

This sounds too good to be true, if it were to happen. Then again, I’m just asking what Basdeo would do. It’s not like I’m capable of anything like that, I’m not him.

Last Time I Checked, You Couldn’t Heal Death

President George Maxwell Richards had some words to the nation recently.

“We need healing from the many bruises, some of them self-inflicted, which we have experienced and will continue to experience, if we fail to consider one another,” …

–President George Maxwell Richards

I would just like to say, that I see no bruises, other than my ego if you want to include that. The real self-inflicted pain was Dookeran’s political suicide. The crazy old man went as far as to say:

“I look forward to seeing a gentler, caring people, working together for the betterment of ourselves, our families and our communities.”

-President George Maxwell Richards

What am I to do? Hug manning and go build a puzzle with him? I said it once and I will say it again:

“I want to say, every time one of your family or friend is murdered, kidnapped, robbed, raped, I want you to go and stand up in front the mirror and look at yourself. Look at your face. That is what I want you to do. Then I want you to hold your hands together and prayer. You are responsible because you have voted for the PNM and COP, or not at all.”

–Basdeo Panday

There is no way I can “heal” after what Winston did. As if my bouts of gas due to my unbridled rage were not enough, I have to read this:

From here on, the COP will begin to prepare for the upcoming Local Government Elections

Why is the CORPSE sticking around? I played the role of political undertaker already and now I must see that the CORPSE still wants to stick around? Is nobody aware of the unbearable stink that we will be left with as a result of the CORPSE carcass laying around? Fine. So be it. It seems the 3 Amigos will have to do this the dirty way. I, Ramesh and Jack will be the vultures, for the people, to pick away at the CORPSE one morsel at a time. We will not stop until the CORPSE is nothing but bones to feed to the dogs.

(CLICK FOR SLIGHTLY LARGER VERSION)

image courtesy the National Geographic Alliance

Actually, Ramesh and I are the vultures, Jack is the corbeaux.

Maybe that will teach Dookeran a lesson. We will do this only for you, the people!

Shubh Divali!

Return Of Gillian! And COP Desperation!

Remember when I told you that Gillian Lucky just picked up and went missing? Guess what, he is back and out to sabotage the United National congress Alliance! If you recall, our plan for victory is to have as many foreign persons as possible come here and woo you into voting for the UNC-A. The latest plan was to have Gerard Butler come as Leonidas, but due to a Hollywood strike is unable to do so. The new plan was to have Ramesh dress up as Leonidas, but somehow Gillian got wind of it and is out to steal our idea!

It was Ramesh self who was able to dig up these pitears. It seems the process of dressing up as Leonidas to speak with the youths is a very involved process and we have a picture of Gillian before full costume, so we know it is him! Sneaky, sneaky COP! But Ramesh is the REAL one! The people will not be fooled!

The CORPSE will have to try harder!

For the record, this plan is called “Operation 300” which also entails throwing T-shirts into the crowd a rallies with $300 wrapped up inside. Thank you, Jack.

Where Is Gillian Lucky?

Some news you will only get here and not in any mainstream press I would like to share with you. Apparently Gillian Lucky has gone missing. I suppose “gone missing” isn’t the correct term. Gone into hiding seems more appropriate. It’s going to be Vday for victory as recent polls as conveniently carried out by Ramesh have shown Gillian suffering a crushing defeat. The news has resulted in Gillian’s sudden departure from the political scene. I would not be surprised if he didn’t come back.

I have managed to obtain a pityear from Ramesh, who is a magician at finding pictures for anything, showing steps being taken to locate Gillian. I think this is a clear sign that the Alliance is a force to be reckoned with and will be triumphant on November 5th. Good luck to the CORPSE in finding their candidate.

Anil Roberts, COP, Kamla, DUI

So I can’t get on to Kamla at all. Probably running the tab up at the nearest waterhole.

Also, just saw on TV that Anil Roberts joined the COP, I assume that means he’s out of the closet.

COP/PNM Beauty Plots

Well, it seems as though the PNM and COP have attempted to impede my coming back into office. First the COP are bringing out the Nicole Dyer. You may be wondering: “Who?” To which I say: “Exactly!”

Don’t bring any “celebrities” when people don’t even know who you are. I thought she was getting death threats at some point. That would be a clear indication to stay away from politics, but then again I’ve had my fair share of death threats, so I admire her for having the balls to compete in this competition, even if nobody knows who you are.

I’m really not concerned about her joining in the COP, who I am concerned about is Wendy Fitzwilliams, who Patos wants to replace Ken Valley.

I’m only concerned because she’s actually a contender. She actually won the Miss Universe competition and may be a viable replacement for Valley. Oh, how I wish he had won in the screening process, we wouldn’t have this problem. In case you didn’t know, inside sources told me that this “screening” process consisted of rounds of thumb war, which Valley simply doesn’t have the dexterity to win.

This model thing had me wondering, but I do have a plan. I did not want to let the cat out of the bag because nothing is final, but we have extended an invitation to Miss Tyra Banks to contest a seat in the next election.

I know what you’re thinking – you want to know how we will pull this off. I assure you, we know what we are doing and we want to show that we too can compete with any and every plan that the PNM or COP intend to pull off.

The Alliance will not take this sitting down!

Of course, the PNM and UNC can come to us and be part of the Alliance considering we will be taking up office very soon.

I’ll be updating you on the latest developments – you will know what is going to happen here before it reaches anywhere else.