Ramesh Wet Himself

Yesterday UNC A Chief Whip Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj expressed relief at Government’s announcement that it did not intend to block the UNC A’s application to have crime debated by the House of Representatives this afternoon.

“I am really relieved that the Government does not suspend the Order Paper (agenda) as it did at the Opening of Parliament, that it does not intend to repeat its conduct in suspending items on the Order Paper,” Maharaj said, referring to the recent controversy over the sudden adjournment of the House at that opening and the skipping of several items on the Order Paper.

With regard to Parsanlal’s comments that by claiming Government would try today to suspend the business of the House, Maharaj had been caught with his pants down, the Chief Whip quipped: “The criminals have left the pants of the Government down for the last seven years and so far the criminals have the Government pants down, so the issue is really whether in the debate

Ramesh, Newsday

Some behind the scenes info: Ramesh has a bladder control problem and from what I heard, this time he REALLY lost control, saying “I Am Relieved” out loud. When asked about it, he said what you read above. Does he know how to spin a sticky(, or should that be wet?) situation? Only from the UNC-A.

Ramesh And The Crime Crusade

I’ve been resting quite a lot lately. There has not been much TV to watch what with the writer’s strike.

I’ve taken to listening to music, and I must say I love that new Curtis CD. How many videos did 50 Cent actually put out? Madness, I tell you. He has videos for Straight to the Bank, Amusement Park, I get money, Follow my lead, Ayo Technology and I still will. 6 videos. Some people don’t even get that many videos off 2 albums! But I digress…

Ramesh is on his crusade. We were talking about it the other day and he told me he was annoyed that people were not talking about him really, in the news. This annoyed him terribly. So he came up with some march and protest.

Maharaj told the small crowd of villagers gathered underneath a resident’s home that if the Government is not acting, then he will go to the courts to compel the Government to act.

The thing people don’t understand is that  it is very important for your Government to be diverse in what they do. Since the fall of Yangatang/Maljo Kaiso, there have not really been many venues for the government to act. Perhaps they should approach Synergy TV? Peter C. Lewis knows a few things about acting important, they could get advice from him. If it’s one thing the UNC-Alliance knows is how to act. Remember those commercials with Jack and myself where we looked like we cared about people and the isuues and all that BS? Acting.

He continued, “Radical action is needed to deal with radical problems.”

This news has a double meaning, actually. While it won’t be announced for some time, my blog readers are first to find out that the UNC-Alliance has entered a partnership with RADICAL DESIGNS!

Maharaj told the gathering that he is organising a march from Tabaquite to Chaguanas to Port-of-Spain for seven days, from January 18 to 25, adding that he will sleep wherever he has to during the march. The march is in protest of rising crime levels in the Tabaquite constituency and all citizens are encouraged to take part.

Of course, Ramesh will be home most of the time, and when he there he will be in the backsteat of a car. Don’t worry, when he’s home he’ll be on the phone with someone actually walking. Yes, we are willing to spend that kind of money to pretend to be with people walking in the hot sun for no reason at all. That and we are putting bmobile’s My Lime to good use, Ramesh really wants a Playstation 3 and he needs the Bells to enter the competition.

I asked Ramesh if he thought anyone would figure out that was the real reason for all of this, so he could have an excuse to call someone to get Bells, to win a Playstation 3 and he said not to worry, so I am taking his word on it.

What have I missed that you would like my infinite wisdom on?

Ramesh, The Chief Whip

I’m no rumor monger, but the Newsday is saying that Ramesh is to be chief whip. I am remaining tight-lipped, but like Inshan Ishmael’s lack of education you all pretty much know it even if nobody comes right out and say it. So, let me just say that it is pretty much certain Ramesh will be announced as the chief whip of the United National Congress. Alliance! Yeah, can’t forget that, right?

Now, I need to tell you, this decision is subject to change, but say what, I’ll tell you what, I love my blog readers so much I will bestow upon you the advanced knowledge of who it is. Yes, Ramesh will be chief whip. Even better, I will tell you how Ramesh came to be Chief Whip. He managed to get hold of the official Chief Whip costume and re-did the lyrics to “Whip It” so you may now get a taste of our new official Chief Whip theme song. Oma, Jack and I thoroughly enjoyed ourselves the other night as he performed for us. How could we say no to that?

I have to mention though, Kamla was a bit perturbed  to hear Ramesh singing,afraid Ramesh would be giving her competition.

I do enjoy this pitear.

Whip It (Sparta Verzion) by Two-face Ram

Crack that whip
Don’t let your tongue slip
Plan your attack
Check (cheque) in Oma’s bank

When a problem comes along
You must whip it
You’ll lead before too long
You must whip it
Doesn’t matter if you’re wrong
You must whip it
(Jus now Bas goin’ and fall dong)
(You mus whip it)

now whip it
into shape
shape it up
get Landate
go forward
move ahead

hire detectives
it’s not too late
to whip it
whip it good

when jack and kamla come arong
you must whip it
you must always fight them dong
you must whip it
no one gets their way
cause you’ll whip it

I say whip it
whip it good (x 2)

My Farewell, Final Thoughts And Ramesh Pitears

Well folks. It seems as though this is it. I am an honest man, and this is, as promised, my final post on my blog. I will give you a while to compose yourself, but do not feel bad about crying: I have grown accustomed after working with Winston.

Now then, I would like to just say that I place blame on all of you. While I have gone through this already, I need to re-iterate what I said:

“I want to say, every time one of your family or friend is murdered, kidnapped, robbed, raped, I want you to go and stand up in front the mirror and look at yourself. Look at your face. That is what I want you to do. Then I want you to hold your hands together and prayer. You are responsible because you have voted for the PNM and COP, or not at all.”

In short, I do not care if you exercised your constitutional right to vote for whomever you chose to vote for. I, in my infinite wisdom, have deemed you all responsible. What this means is that if you were among the intelligent persons to vote for the United National Congress Alliance, you are not responsible for any of the murders, kidnappings, robbings or rapings. It’s essentially a get out of jail card, or at least it would have been, but we’re not in power, are we? No! So now you have to suffer, suffer under the mafia. Suffer under the teacup mafia! Now people will be held responsible for your actions! This is madness! This is Balisier country!!!!!

Are you people wrapping your heads around this? I hope you are, I hope to almighty God that you are.

As if the stress of all this is not enough, the CORPSE is showing signs of life and trying to fight, but like a headless chicken, I mean duck, ultimately, the fight will be lost. Why so jealous of the dual citizenship? Because Bharath has 2 citizenships and you have none after Trinidad disowned you for splitting the vote? Your only defense is that you fell and hit your head, causing temporary retardation, making you put your [X] by the rash. For everyone else, LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

At the very least, there was some good to come out of this.

Mikela won her seat. While it was as surprising as “The Gladiator” hanging up on callers during his show, we will take what we get.

Jack also won his seat, and while we came to an agreement, that he would be repaid for all the pretty advertising when we came into power, he is very understanding of the situation, but we will deal with this at some point. Ramesh and I had a good laugh, though, as yet again we were able to convince Jack that “Red was prettier than blue” when it came to dollar bills and he will be taking a $1 salary. Thank goodness the boy is so gullible.

Because Ramesh and I had a good laugh means nothing. While the CORPSE is to blame, Ramesh’s relationship with me has been on the rocks. He knows what he did, and I would like to leave you with the pitears that will destroy Ramesh’s career! You are not the only one who can find pitears when it is most convenient to you.

HERE THEY ARE! OF RAMESH PUBLICLY URINATING! THIS IS A SERIOUS OFFENSE, ON THE CALIBER OF NOT WEARING YOUR SEATBELT, OR GOING INTO THE POOL LESS THAN 10 MINUTES AFTER EATING!

I leave you with this, dear friends, and hope that you remember me and my blog. And Remember Ramesh for what he has done!

I know you are in tears that blogging tenure has come to an end, but like a phoenix, rising from the ashes, there is hope, as Austin Jack Warner will take over as leader of The Extra Secret Blog of Basdeo Panday.

From now on, Jack will take over this blog, welcome him with open arms, and I bid you all a farewell!

Kamla’s Secret Lair?

Someone sent in these pitears along with a message that purports that Kamla has received these packages at her secret lair. I don’t know how true it is, or if it is any reason for concern. As for her secret lair, it seems the rumors of her moving into the village rumshop are true.

News Clippings

I thought that in my infinite wisdom, I would give some thoughts on the various reports happening with the new publications. Not that it matters – when we come into power, all newspapers will be assimilated into one and will just provide a hard copy of my blog every day. On to the news.

• The Hindu Council of The Caribbean says to vote for me, though you don’t have to. That’s similar to not watching Inshan on the television, you can watch if you want, but life then seems to lose some of its meaning.
• The Caribbean Guyana Institute for Democracy (CGID) is not pleased with the UNC bringing Rev. Jesse Jackson to speak. Why? Because he is doing it for the money and knows nothing about the politics of the country? Since when is financial compensation trumped by ethics? Furthermore, Guyana, last time I checked, was part of the Caribbean, so I much rather not take advice from a group that cannot name themselves, otherwise my political party may be called the ‘United Together National Congress‘
• The EBC is scrambling to fix a loophole that might mean people could bring cellphones into polling stations and take pictures of who they are voting for. Excellent, because nobody could tell who the person was voting for, what with their UNC-Alliance shirt, handkerchief and singing of our radio jingles while there.
• Jack was a bit annoyed at Winston Dookeran over the attack about spending money. Where Jack gets the money that I do so enjoy spending is nobody’s business. That is between me, Jack and the integrity commission when they catch on.
• Kamla was going on and on the other day about the EBC sending slips to people from Nigeria and whatnot, allowing them to vote. It was INFURIATING – she was out all day and made no roti.
• Ramesh did some crap as usual, as of right now I don’t know if we are on speaking terms or what, it’s all very confusing. Is Team Unity in the race? Either way, I think those pictures I have of him will drop in a day.
• We got approval for our helicopter to fly over for our rally. We’ll end the show with fireworks: 2 rockets will be fired at the blimp to trigger them.
• Apparently it is hard out there for a PIMP.
• I have placed a classified ad in the papers. “Urgently needed: priest to say good things about a political figure and that followers of Catholic religion should vote for him. Threatening congregation with violence if they do not comply is a probable request and applicant must be . Money is not an issue.”

Leonidas In Trinidad!

I know I mentioned before about getting Gerard Butler here to talk to the youths. It is part of the plan that the United National Congress Alliance put in place, with which we are poised to be victorious at the polls. The plan? To have as many foreign persons come in as possible that have absolutely nothing to do with elections. This plan is effective because people want to have a good time, they don’t want to be bothered with silly things such as issues. When we come into power, we will fix all the issues, even if the majority of which are caused by us. No matter, the people can just dance to the catch tunes we’ve planted. Who cares about murder or kidnapping when you can dance passa passa to Richie Spice singing “Jack Warner do good, do good, do good, do good” etc.

I digress.

Gerard Butler isn’t going to come. Surprising, yes, but he told me he would stay and support the writers in the impending Hollywood strike. That wajang. But it is not a problem. If we want Leonidas, then Leonidas is what we will get! Ramesh will don the apparel of Leonadis and talk to the youth, in an idea Jack and I cam up with. This will be instrumental in us getting into the youth psyche.

I present to you, Leaonidas-Ramesh!

There is no need to call us geniuses. We know.

So, Anyone Can Have a House?

So, because I may or may not have a house or two in London/England/Pakistan/Lebanon/Saudi Arabia/Westmoorings/South Africa/Arima/Singapore/West Africa/North Africa/North, North East Africa/China/Belize/Colorado means this man can come copy me just like that? I will have you know, sir that I worked damn hard for what I took, legally. GOOD MAN, Ramesh, for ratting him out. Why you waited all this time, after Patrick Manning publicly humiliated you for helping him in the past is a bit curious and yes your overall track record is a bit suspect, but none of that matters. What matters is we got the truth out there and this is yet another reason the United National Congress Alliance will be victorious come November. What was the date? Ramesh, remind me of these things!

Oh yes, and we have photo take outer evidence! This is an exclusive pitear we were able to obtain covertly. This is the kind of truth you only find in the Probe every 6 months, to tell you how rare it is.

Ramesh boy I not sure if you seeing this, but you have to show me how to turn up the image in photoshop boy. I think the people too stupid to figure out we change it up, but it looking good still. And when you coming home this evening, don’t forget the new Hooked On Phonics for Jack, he move up to the next level.

What Really Happened In South Africa

Well, I am back from South Africa. The trip was wonderful. It sometimes amazes me how we have the money to do all these ads, bring in foreign artistes, pay general campaign expenses and jet set to South Africa on a whim. Yes, I have some money coming that I managed to – ehm, save from when I was last in office, but Jack really came through. Jack’s pockets are as bottomless as Gillian Lucky is butch. Ramesh is not half the man Jack is.

As we touched down in Johannesburg that day, my hands firmly in Jack’s, I couldn’t help but feel overjoyed at the prospect of having Mr. Mandela over to Trinidad. He would be the winning piece to the puzzle enabling us to win the election. It’s all we needed. At the very least, I knew he would be much better than Sizzla. The meeting was a delight. Mr. Mandela complimented us much on what was going on in Trinidad. The overpass, the industrialization, etc. not to mention the football.

Interesting fact, he was overjoyed and very thankful I would put him in the banner for my blog. He said he wanted to start a blog of his own but figured he would observe me for a few more years before doing so. A wise choice that was, considering, without the proper training nobody would even know you had a blog. All the attention would just be on me. In case you forgot, Patrick Manning has a blog, not that you care.

When Jack started talking football, a perplexed look came upon the once exiled leader’s face. He couldn’t understand what he was saying and asked me if Jack was from the province of Limpopo where the education has been poor within recent years leading to the children raising themselves and relying on their own language consisting of grunts, the pelting of fecal matter and mimicking of noises picked up by the local animals. After informing him that Jack was with me and not on a humanitarian mission, I translated and Mr. Mandela was glad how things were coming along.

After a very verbose yet enjoyable discussion, Mr. Mandela begged us to take him to Trinidad to talk with all of you and tell you how the United National Congress Alliance would lead the way to a better T&T. But it was not to be.

I looked at Jack, giving me that twinkle in his eye that said to me we were thinking the same thing. “Mr. Mandela, I think it best if you stay here. Your ill health is more serious, but we will be more than happy to relay any messages you send to the people of Trinidad and Tobago.”

“I am concerned. I am very concerned.” chimed Jack, as we shook hands and ended our meeting.

Some tears were shed, but we did what we set out to do, discussed how we could bring unity to the people of Trinidad and Tobago. With one last plea to come with us, we left his excellency in high spirits.

With all this said and done, we would still like to bring in someone in the blog header. We are looking into the availability of actor Gerard Butler to come on the platform in costume.

It was a delight to chat with the myth, the legend, the man in my blog header, though a passing comment about liking Andrew Jennings sent shivers up Jack’s spine.